Hope, Prayers, and a Little Luck

My lack of posts lately has definitely not been from a lack of things to say as I've had more on my mind than I ever imagined but just haven't felt strong enough to share it all yet. To say the last two weeks have been a roller coaster would be quite an understatement.

It all started April 27th, Jamey's birthday. I worked the 26th night shift but was so looking forward to being off for Jamey's birthday and having the chance to celebrate with him. I had just reached 13 weeks in my pregnancy so I was already breathing a sigh of relief that the 1st trimester and it's worries were no longer a concern. We had a babysitter lined up for the boys so we could go out, which we very rarely do, so it was all set to be a special night for him. I was so excited and happy. I had a doctor's appt. that afternoon for my 1st trimester screening, which I didn't do with the boys, but is now considered a standard screening test offered to all pregnant women, so I was planning to take advantage and enjoy the chance for another peek at the baby since they do an ultrasound.

Oh if I would have only known what I was getting into. The ultrasound seemed to go great from my perspective. It was a precious little active baby wiggling around and a strong, regular heartbeat. The picture of perfection to a mom and what an overwhelming experience it is. The pictures at 13 weeks were so clear and the baby already looked like such a little person in there! Immediate, overwhelming, unconditional love are the words that come to mind when describing just how sweet that first real glimpse is. The ultrasound tech told me to go upstairs to talk with the provider about my results, which scared me to death but she reassured me that this was standard practice so my fears went away. After waiting close to 30 minutes in the waiting room to be escorted back to another waiting exam room was definitely trying on my patience but I was very unprepared for what I was about to hear. A midwife came in to tell me that my nuchal translucency measurement was much higher than normal and that I'd likely need to be seen by a perinatalogist either that afternoon or the next day. I was floored. She then went to check with the MD on at the time and she said they'd get me in in two weeks with Duke for another more in depth ultrasound and an amniocentesis.

Needless to say, this wasn't at all the news I expected to hear. Thickened nuchal translucency can be indicative of Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13, and 18 and also other congenital heart defects. There is blood work that goes along with the nuchal translucency to tell you based on your age, etc. your probability of having these conditions. The blood work took 1 week to come back but I was very relieved to get a call from my MD last Monday to tell me my blood work was normal but that my high nuchal reading made my chances for Downs 1:50 and 1:48 for Trisomy 13 and 18. Had I not had this screening test done, my chances just based on age are more like 1:400. I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. I was sad the whole time but tried to hold it together as much as possible and two active little boys certainly helped in that regard. Sleeping was impossible and when I did sleep I had awful dreams about all the things that were wrong and just how awful it was going to be for us.

I don't think I've ever prayed so much in my life. I'm ashamed to say that because I think it seems weak to turn to God when you need Him but I was desperate and didn't know what to do. Talking to friends and family helped beyond belief but at the end of the day I couldn't help but feel alone. I think it's just who I am but I try so hard to shelter people around me from things that can hurt them so I naturally tried to be strong for Jamey so that he wouldn't be worried as much too. This is where I found praying helped me so much. One night last week was the worst I had been feeling about it all and I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would please grant me the strength, courage, and grace to get through the next few weeks and whatever they may hold. I didn't so much pray for a healthy child as I did for God to give me the strength to help me make it through whatever was to come our way. The next day I felt like a completely different person. I was relaxed, calm, and actually happy, a feeling I hadn't experienced much at all lately. I was so amazed and thankful to finally have a little peace about the whole situation and honestly feel that I owe it all to the power of prayer and wonderful, supportive friends and family.

Week 2 of waiting had finally come and my mom was coming to be with us and watch the boys for my long-awaited doctor's appointment at Duke. This was yesterday, May 12th. I was so anxious I didn't know what to do but thankfully my appointment was at 9:15 so I didn't have to wait too long. I was emotionally exhausted at this point and so scared I wouldn't be able to hold myself together much longer. They called us back quickly for my ultrasound and all looked pretty good. I'm only 15 weeks so they did as much of an anatomy scan as possible and were able to get good looks at pretty much everything that would be concerning. The baby BOY, by the way, looked great and there was really only one cause for concern. He had a choroid plexus cyst which is a marker for Trisomy 18 so my chances for it went from 1:48 to 1:10. Cooper had one of these that went away by my 28 week ultrasound so I was a little relieved that it was something I had heard of and knew something about, but the odds scared me to death. It was a little too early to do an amniocentesis and a little too late to do a chorionic villus sample (CVS) so we had planned to come back a week later for an amnio. I was frustrated and sad to have more waiting ahead of us but the wonderful doctor came back in to ask us if we would want to try the CVS, even though it was a little late to do it. She felt comfortable that she could get a good sample because my placenta was on the front of my uterus so we agreed to go that route. They said they'd be able to call us with preliminary info, specifically regarding Downs and Trisomy 13 and 18 in about 24-48 hours.

Music to my ears. The thought of knowing something definitively in one day was immediately enough to sell me on doing the CVS! They were able to get a good sample and said they felt confident they'd be able to call us the next day with the results.

This brings us to today. Lastnight was better than I expected it to be because I truly felt things were going to be fine but waiting to hear was pretty torturous. The boys had school this morning so my mom and I went to the mall to pass the time but couldn't even shop. For those of you that know us, you know how rare that is! We wandered Crabtree pretty aimlessly and had planned to go to lunch but just didn't have the stomach for it. After picking up the boys we came home to wait on our tv repair man to hopefully be fixing our tv, which by the way has been out since Monday night! Waiting was hard enough, but waiting without any tv to use as a distraction was awful! We put the boys down for their naps and mom ran some errands and I stared at the computer trying to think of things to do to occupy my racing brain.

Just before 3pm, the phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. I honestly think my heart stopped, just as it had all day when my phone would ring and it was someone else. It was the genetics counselor from Duke and she immediately said she had good news to tell me. I was completely overwhelmed with all the emotion I've been trying to keep bottled up for these hellacious two weeks. I held it together to get off the phone with her but couldn't hold back any longer. I couldn't even talk. Relief doesn't even begin to describe how happy I felt to know that all would be well and that we had the birth of a healthy baby to look forward to. All this time I've been so guarded about it all that I haven't been able to be positive. I worried we'd have to have an abortion and not be delivering a baby in October/November. I didn't want to wear maternity things or even look at baby stuff because I was so scared of bad news.

Right now I am on top of the world. The knowledge that we are having a healthy, chromosomally normal baby boy is the happiest thing in the world to me right now. He will be such a welcome addition to our family and I am so overwhelmed with love and attachment to him already. The thought of giving birth and holding him for the 1st time after all this brings me to tears. I am so, so thankful for all of my family and friends who have listened to me and sent me notes, texts, emails, kind words in passing that I don't even know how to thank you. Please know that from the bottom of my heart you have all played such a big part in getting me through this awful ordeal and for that I am forever grateful. I truly have the best family and friends in the world and going through something like this helps to remind me just how special they are and how much I am loved. Thank you, thank you, thank you.